October 7th, 2004...6 years ago today was a turning point in my life. But really it starts in January 2004 when I discovered that I was pregnant with our 2nd baby. Kelly was 4 years old and over the moon excited. She had prayed for this baby possibly longer and harder than I had. She was (and still is and always will be) an amazing kid and I was truly content with just her. Given some other circumstances in my life, I was perfectly content to just have one child and cherished her completely. But God blessed us with this second pregnancy and we were all so excited! Our baby's due date was 10-7-04.
The first trimester was full of hope and promise. The weeks went by. We told our families, our friends, Kelly told the world. :) Even told my students at school. Along came the end of March and spring break was nearing closer. (great time to be a teacher!) I went to work on Weds. and to my surprise began spotting. From the beginning of that, I had an awful feeling in my stomach, in my heart. Lumps in my throat and tears in my eyes. Phoned my doctor from a vacant classroom and the nurse said please come in. Then had to tell my assistant, find a sub, and grew very scared. Called my husband. Called my mom because she had Kelly. I could barely explain and she sent my dad to drive me to the hospital. Somehow she knew I'd never be able to drive.
My dad was there in minutes. I couldn't even look at him. The drive lasted forever and my husband met us at the hospital. They took us immediately to radiology for an ultrasound. The tech's face said it all but she couldn't tell me herself. Sent us to my doctor and he confirmed my thought nightmare. My baby was not there. Gone.
That was the lowest day of my life. March 25, 2004. Well maybe the next day when the physical portion took place. Those 2 days are definitely a tie for the worst ever of my 38 years. Telling Kelly her baby was gone was the hardest thing I've EVER had to do. She was completely devastated. We held each other for hours, days, weeks, months. Even still the news of someone else's miscarriage brings tears to her eyes and mine because we know their pain.
Dear friends sent flowers to show their love. Kelly cried and said I don't want those flowers. I want my baby. I'll never forget her words. 6 months passed. Babies were born all around us. People said stupid things. I buried myself in work and in Kelly.
September 2004 I was frightened to learn I was pregnant again. I was afraid to tell anyone and didn't for quite a while. I was so scared it would not last. So scared to lose again.
Well as God would have it, my first ultrasound was scheduled for Oct. 7th. My first thought was what a cruel joke. What if my baby is gone...again? I hated ultrasounds, they brought bad news. I very reluctantly kept that appt. Walked in with a heavy heart and scared out of my mind. My doctor is an incredibly caring and thoughtful man. He walked in and smiled, knew my fear, and said let's see your baby.
God revealed Himself to me that day in words I'll never be able to express. I AM here. I AM always with you. I AM the Giver of all good gifts. And there she was. The baby who would become my beautiful, sassy, smart, busy, sweet little Kaitlyn Lindsey. God IS good.
He knows my every tear, my every pain, disappointment, emotion. And still loves me anyway. Iam His and He is mine. I'm forever grateful.
And someday I'll be reunited with you my sweet baby in heaven. Rest with Jesus til then.
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4 comments:
Aunt Lisa,
This post was so sweet. It had me crying. I know the pain of losing children to miscarriages, not as a mother but as a sibling. And the devastation of losing 4 siblings to miscarriages is SO hard. But you are so right, God is in control and he knows our pain. After all, he left his Son to die on the cross for us. I am praying for you today that the Lord will bring peace to you. Because you never fully recover the pain of losing that little one, even though you never met him/her.And I am really looking forward to the day when I can go meet my 4 brothers and sisters in Heaven and give them a GREAT BIG hug.
Lots of Love,
Em
Oh thank you so much, Emily. I know you do understand. Thanks for your encouraging words always! God has blessed you with the gift of encouragement. :)
I sat and wept as I read this. Your thoughts were so beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your heart. I'm so grateful that sweet Katey joined your family. May God continue to give you strength and comfort as you remember your precious baby.
Thank you, Erica, so so much. You are such an incredibly thoughtful friend. :) It has hit me really hard this week. Six year olds all around in friends and family and can't help but wonder what if??? So thankful God brought me thru that valley. Important to remember that He did.
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