Racing into 2011!

Image by Eva the Weaver via Flickr

Happy New Year!

Today I did something I have never done in my life.  I walked in my first 5K race!  About 10 days ago a dear friend strongly persuaded me into joining her to walk in the Run Into the New Year 5K Run in Milwaukee.  If you know me, you know that is no small accomplishment.  I was a nervous wreck, not knowing what to expect.  The day turned out to be so much fun.  My legs and back are hurting tonight but it was so worth it.  It is the first time I have ever pushed myself so hard, so far physically EVER!  It gave me such a sense of accomplishment and hope that I do not have to be this couch potato I have been for far too long.  Go me!  :)

Giving thanks

Being thankful on Thanksgiving should be a no-brainer, right?  It's eeeeeassssyyyyy to be thankful on Thanksgiving.  What is wrong with you (or ME) if we're not?  I AM thankful for I have been blessed with a lot.  A lot of great people, all my physical needs, job, car, food, family, friends, new church, health, and lots more. 

But what about pain?  Can I really choose to be thankful for that today?  God tells me in His Word that I should be.  We are called to be thankful in ALL circumstances, always giving praise and thanks to our Lord  & Saviour Jesus Christ.  Lord, I am thankful but most days I sure wish you would take away my pain.  That may or may not happen on this side of heaven but I know He endured more emotional, spiritual, and physical pain that I will more than likely never experience.  So when my heart is breaking, I am choosing to remember how God's heart broke a million times over for my sin. 

Thankful

Image by Glen's Pics via Flickr

Wow, God is so good.  He did such a great, big thing for me today!  And an even bigger & better thing for me last week!  Wow.  I am overwhelmed with His goodness & mercy to me.  My heart is just overflowing tonight. 

Today at work I was in a very sticky situation, wanting the best for one of my students and not sure how it would unfold.  Not sure how some would react or conduct themselves but it all came together and that was nothing short of a miracle.  Thank you, Lord. 

Last week I really blew it.  But God is bigger than any of my screw-ups, oh my goodness is He.  I am overwhelmed with His goodness to me.  I surely do not deserve it.

Swim Team Mom

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[Ahhhh....finally a chance to sit and relax.  My body is tired but my mind is racing.  First topic of many swimming- ha!  sorry, couldn't resist! thru my head.]

I am so proud of my newest hat & title---Swim Team Mom!

Spent 8 hours today just sitting on my bottom in a very uncomfortable lawn chair in a very crowded gym at a very nice YMCA facility an hour away from home for a VERY good reason---to support my daughter at her 3rd ever swim team meet!  She did a fabulous job, I was so proud of her.  She has adapted well to the physical demands of competitive swimming and the emotional & mental demands, too.  I think my nerves run higher than hers on meet days.  Which is better & I'd rather have it that way.  But MAN!  my stomach was turning, my heart was racing, my head was spinning during those seconds & brief moments that she's in the water.  She comes out beaming every time, you can just tell that she has tried her best, no matter what place she comes in.  And to her, that is winning, yeah!  I'm so proud of her already just for even trying this new experience.  Go Kel!

Even though we had a great swim day, I am still wiped out.  Left the house at 7am, walked back in the door at 5pm.  Ahhh...this couch feels so good.  Glad I got lots of laundry and school work done yesterday because today I accomplished a whole lot of nothing.  Wait, no I did accomplish cheering on my daughter, visiting & laughing with a new swim team mom-friend, and having a front row seat to Kelly's latest interest & accomplishment.  All in all, a great day spent with my girl.  I love you lots, Kelly, & am so proud of you!! :)

Today's significance

October 7th, 2004...6 years ago today was a turning point in my life.  But really it starts in January 2004 when I discovered that I was pregnant with our 2nd baby.  Kelly was 4 years old and over the moon excited.  She had prayed for this baby possibly longer and harder than I had.  She was (and still is and always will be) an amazing kid and I was truly content with just her.  Given some other circumstances in my life, I was perfectly content to just have one child and cherished her completely.  But God blessed us with this second pregnancy and we were all so excited!  Our baby's due date was 10-7-04.

The first trimester was full of hope and promise.  The weeks went by.   We told our families, our friends, Kelly told the world.  :)  Even told my students at school.  Along came the end of March and spring break was nearing closer.  (great time to be a teacher!)  I went to work on Weds. and to my surprise began spotting.  From the beginning of that, I had an awful feeling in my stomach, in my heart.  Lumps in my throat and tears in my eyes.  Phoned my doctor from a vacant classroom and the nurse said please come in.  Then had to tell my assistant, find a sub, and grew very scared.  Called my husband.  Called my mom because she had Kelly.  I could barely explain and she sent my dad to drive me to the hospital.  Somehow she knew I'd never be able to drive. 

My dad was there in minutes.  I couldn't even look at him.  The drive lasted forever and my husband met us at the hospital.  They took us immediately to radiology for an ultrasound.  The tech's face said it all but she couldn't tell me herself.  Sent us to my doctor and he confirmed my thought nightmare.  My baby was not there. Gone. 

That was the lowest day of my life.  March 25, 2004.  Well maybe the next day when the physical portion took place.  Those 2 days are definitely a tie for the worst ever of my 38 years.  Telling Kelly her baby was gone was the hardest thing I've EVER had to do.  She was completely devastated.  We held each other for hours, days, weeks, months.  Even still the news of someone else's miscarriage brings tears to her eyes and mine because we know their pain. 

Dear friends sent flowers to show their love.  Kelly cried and said I don't want those flowers.  I want my baby.  I'll never forget her words.  6 months passed.  Babies were born all around us.  People said stupid things.  I buried myself in work and in Kelly. 

September 2004 I was frightened to learn I was pregnant again.  I was afraid to tell anyone and didn't for quite a while.  I was so scared it would not last.  So scared to lose again. 

Well as God would have it, my first ultrasound was scheduled for Oct. 7th.  My first thought was what a cruel joke.  What if my baby is gone...again?  I hated ultrasounds, they brought bad news.  I very reluctantly kept that appt.  Walked in with a heavy heart and scared out of my mind.  My doctor is an incredibly  caring and thoughtful man.  He walked in and smiled, knew my fear, and said let's see your baby.

God revealed Himself to me that day in words I'll never be able to express.  I AM here.  I AM always with you.  I AM the Giver of all good gifts.  And there she was.  The baby who would become my beautiful, sassy, smart, busy, sweet little Kaitlyn Lindsey.  God IS good. 

He knows my every tear, my every pain, disappointment, emotion.  And still loves me anyway.  Iam His and He is mine.  I'm forever grateful. 

And someday I'll be reunited with you my sweet baby in heaven.  Rest with Jesus til then. 

Image via Wikipedia

Patriot Day

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A dear, young friend of mine (Tristan :) said it best this morning,..."Today still brings tears in my eyes, a knot in my throat, and shivers down my spine."   Very few dates on the calendar stirs so much emotion in me, and many others I'm sure. 

I am watching right now on msnbc "9/11 As it happened" which is coverage of the events on 9-11-01 as they aired that day.  The beginning of the broadcast of course begins at the WTC in NYC with smoke billowing from one towerafter 8:42 am, being referred to as "this accident".  I couldn't help but be shocked 9 years later at the innocence of that remark by Katie Couric on the Today show.  How could she have ever known the magnitude of the first plane's "accident"?  That moment was the end of our national innocence when the 2nd plane hit the 2nd tower, then nationwide air travel stopped, then the Pentagon was hit, then the jumpers off the WTC, then the crash in Pennsylvania.  And on and on and on...

Image by Daves Portfolio via Flickr

Today we took the girls to our local airport's annual air show.  I was touched and encouraged that the annoucer kept saying "On the Sept. 11th...in honor of our nation...remember our fallen heroes...we are PROUD to be Americans."  Several military jets flew overhead, manuveruring in the sky, showing us firsthand the power of our military.

My school/workplace (also my daughters' school) just happens to be right next door to the airport.  Yesterday the jets & planes practiced loud and strong over head, often flying a little too close for my comfort.  Yesterday I wondered why on earth would they do this on 9/11??  I still felt that fear of an airplane and the horrors it was capable of in the wrong hands. 

But today watching those planes and jets, hearing our national anthem, rounds of applause
and cheers for veterans and active members of our military...I understood why they chose today.  What better day to celebrate the resiliency of our nation, the hope we have for our children, the pride we have in our country.  I'm proud to fly my flag today (and every day).  I'm proud to live in freedom.  I'm forever grateful to the men and women who laid their lives down for you and for me to be here today.  God bless the USA.

End of August---ups & downs

Lots going on to try and wrap my head around...good news first:  My oldest daughter entered 5th grade today.  She is excited and happy about the new school year.  With a 10 year old girl, happy is always good.  (unhappy=not good!)  I am so proud of the beautiful girl that she is, both on the inside and the outside.  She is kind, caring, tender-hearted, stubborn, loving, protective, curious, pushes the limits.  I simply adore her.  She is all the best...and worst, parts of me.  :)

My youngest daughter is entering kindergarten in 2 short days.  She is so ready and has been counting down the days all summer since preschool ended.  Where have the last 5 years gone?  Such a blur of laughter, smiles, giggles, tears, tantrums, diapers, potty-training, books, dolls, dress-up...I miss my baby, but love my kindergartener, too.  She is so amazing, so smart & soooooo sassy!!!  :)

Image by Rakka via Flickr

ed. 
On top of their excitement, today was my first day of school with students.  Just for the morning but enough to wear me out!  Beginning my 17th year of teaching, that is even more hard to believe than the baby going to kindergarten.  I feel like I've been teaching for maybe 10-11 years, not 16 under my belt.  I loved greeting my new (and returning) students last night at open house and this morning.   A new class, sharpened pencils, curiousity, new boxes of crayons, new shoes  & haircuts, backpacks & lunchboxes is exciting!!  It energizes me and makes me hopeful for all that is to come this school year.  And maybe even some birthday cupcakes... :)

Image by clevercupcakes via Flickr

So with all that is good, there is of course, the bad...I am REALLY struggling with other people letting me down.  Especially people that I bend over backwards for, count on, and stay loyal to.  Big bummer.  Hugely disappointed.  Really feeling unheard, unappreciated, taken for granted.  Not the first time.  So tired of the crap.  Don't see any signs of change or hope.   Especially when it's people that are "supposed to" be there for you no matter what.  Not fair, not right, whatever. 

Regret is an awful thing and I think I made the wrong decision.  Yuck....God help me forgive and get over it.  But how many times do you have to forgive?  I know, I know---70 x 7, on & on & on.  It is sooo not easy.

In the Future

What I want to be when I grow up (or sooner...:)

1. a writer

2. a runner

3. content

4. about 30 pounds thinner

5. healthier

6. smarter

Just some things I've been thinking about and beginning to work on!

I'm back...

Once again...I apolgize, I am the world's worst blogger. I think about it often, I should really write something. I want to be a writer when I grow up some day, ha! I love writing. But the perfectionist in me puts off what I can do perfectly. So that leaves 3+ months since my last post, waiting for the perfect topic, perfect words...too much pressure.

So over the past 3+ months, of course there has been good and bad. On the plus side, I have really been enjoying our summer vacation from school. That's a no-brainer! After a long, hard, exhausting school year, this break is exactly what I needed. The girls and I are having lots of fun in the sun...trips to the pool, park, library, movies, etc. They're really enjoying their season passes to 6 Flags Great America. Such a deal. We've already been to the park 4 times (they've been 5, once with their dad). Considering the passes cost just a few bucks more than a one-day ticket, such a deal. On our home days, house is looking good, laundry & dishes are kept up, projects are being chiseled on...so much easier when I'm not working.

On the not-so-plus side, the last 3 months have brought the deaths of 2 more dear grandfathers in my life. So I have lost my 3 grandfathers in 16 months. But how blessed am I to be 37 years old (for 9 more days) and to have these men in my life for so long. My husband's grandfather passed away on April 6, Grandpa Reed. I met my husband's grandparents in Aug. 1995 at my first mega-family reunion. Since we married in '96, they've been my grandparents, too. Grandpa Reed was an incredibly genuine, caring, godly man. My husband did an amazing job eulogizing his grandfather at his funeral and spoke of the great influence he'd had on his life. It was a beautiful funeral but an even more beautiful life. We miss you, Grandpa and look forward to the day we are reunited with our Lord & Saviour Jesus Christ in heaven.

Then on June 14, my dad's dad Grandpa Dietz passed away in Florida. It had been 10 years since I'd seen him and even that day I wasn't sure he remembered me. He was 91. My Grandma Dietz had passed away from cancer when I was 9, many years ago. The majority of my memories of my grandpa also include my grandma. Camping trips, UNO games, homemade brownies in their red & white kitchen, and Glen Rock pop always stocked in their basement fridge. :)

Father's Day left a lump in my throat that I could not swallow. How I missed these 3 men who had left their mark on my life from very different periods of time. My heart broke for my dad (who'd lost his dad 6 days b4 Fathers Day). My heart still breaks for my husband on Father's Day after he lost his dad at such a young age. For my girls to lose 3 great-grandfathers. But yet...my dad and my daughters' dad are here and so worthy to be celebrated.

How blessed am I...to be loved by my family, to have a family to love. I am grateful, Lord Jesus. It's funny (well not funny but you know what I mean) how grief comes in waves. You think all is well and you're cruising along, then the thoughts come...the tears...the memories.

Thank you Lord for blessing me abundantly with the gift of my family!!

Happy Spring Break! :)

I am lovin' being off from school this week for spring break! And today it is sunny and 58 degrees, heat wave for northern IL. The weather forecast for the next few days is shocking, sunny & 70 degree temps! Whoo-hoo. We've been having fun with friends, visit to the movie theatre (Diary of a Wimpy Kid), shopping mall, Jelly Belly factory, Monkey Joe's (indoor inflatable playplace), and a Sleeping Beauty play tomorrow. Fun, fun, fun!

I am so blessed to have the greatest two daughters ever. And blessed to have such great friends to enjoy this week off with. Thank you, Lord!

Since it's been a looonnngggg time since I posted any photos, here are some old ones but still cute, from the past few months.

Our American Girls at Chicago American Girl Place, Dec. 09

Katey & Mommy at Shedd Aquarium Dec. 2009

Our family, Christmas 2009 at my brother's house

Katey was Mary in her preschool Christmas program in Dec. 09, she was so excited to be just like her big sister who was Mary at the same preschool in Dec. 04

December 2009, the girls & I in Chicago

Life...and death

Today I learned that a childhood friend died this morning. She was 37 years old, just like me. She had daughters, just like me. She was a wife, mom, sister, daughter...just like me. Her name was Angie and she was my cousin Debbie's best friend forever.

Debbie & I were born 4 days apart. Angie was Debbie's neighbor, lived just around the corner. If I wasn't at home when I was a kid, I was at my cousin Debbie's house. We often wandered down the street to Angie's house...to "play" when we were little and then to "hang out" when we were older. Angie was hilarious. She could make you laugh & laugh, until you thought you might pee your pants!!! She was hilarious. I loved hanging out with her & Debbie. They were like peanut butter & jelly together. That's what I remember from being a kid, how they were always together. I can't imagine losing a lifelong friend, the depths of grief.

Just this week I was teasing my cousin Debbie on facebook. Angie & I had commented back & forth. I sent her a friend request and she accepted. :)

I pray for her husband, daughters, sisters, family, & her best friend Debbie. May you all be comforted by God's love and peace during the dark days ahead. I love you, Debbie, and I am so sorry for your deep loss. May you rest in peace, Angie.